Hello, my name is Dana. It's nice to meet you. I'm so glad you're here. Let me tell you why I’m here and my hopes for you. FYI, I used alcohol and many other substances, and for the sake of my story, I am just going to refer to it all as substances.
I came into recovery and AA because I had seen so many people who seemed to be able to live a sober life and actually enjoy it. I didn’t know how to live without using a mind-altering substance to dissociate from reality and cope. I felt like I was the only person who was suffering long-term mental torture and couldn’t handle life on life’s terms. Since the age of 15, I hadn’t experienced life without mind-altering substances or reservations about using something when I wasn’t.
I started using substances to be rebellious and to fit in. My parents split when I was about two years old. One side of the family was overbearing, controlling, abusive, and emotionally disconnected. The other side of my family wasn’t present and didn’t seem to care. I was sexually abused as a child, and it was so confusing, and I had no one I could talk to about it. When I finally told my mom, she didn’t believe me; she told everyone that I was exaggerating. I had to take a step back from my parents because my relationship with them was toxic. I was in relationships with toxic men and had a couple of kids with them. I didn’t know they were toxic; I didn’t know my parents were toxic; I thought that I was the problem because I was never good enough for anyone in my life. Using substances recreationally turned into using them to escape reality, myself, my trauma, my choices, my failures, and my life. I didn’t know that a person’s body becomes physically dependent on substances, and by the time I was ready to stop, it was too late. Coming down was terrible, and the withdrawal was even worse.
I gave up everything: my home, my kids, my car, my job, and my family, to feel an ounce of normal, all while trying not to feel anything. When I was homeless on the streets, I lost hope of ever living a “regular, normal” life ever again. I was committing crimes for fun and then to survive. I was facing 16 years in prison.
Then, my higher power sent me an angel, a member of AA, my case manager. She talked to me, believed in me, and helped me get sober by getting me into court-ordered rehabs to get my life together when the DA didn’t want to allow me to go. The first two programs I failed, but the 3rd one was a charm. I was introduced to the rooms of AA, the steps, and a sponsor. I worked through all my steps before I graduated from the Salvation Army in Chico, CA. I worked through all my trauma while in that program. I returned to Redding, got a new sponsor, and started working the steps again. I became involved and was of service. I became friends with people outside of the rooms. We had a breakfast club, played aqua golf and pickleball, went white water rafting, went skydiving, went to Disneyland, and celebrated everyone every chance we got. My sobriety date is May 6, 2019. Through thick and thin, life’s roller coaster, and digging myself out of the 10-foot hole I got myself into, I have had AA and my friends in AA to hold me up along the way. We have kept ourselves and each other accountable through some of the most challenging times.
I have graduated with three AA degrees and a bachelor’s degree. I made it halfway through a master’s degree before I humbly took a step back and focused on my family. I am currently in school to become an SUD counselor. I got married, I got my two kids back full-time, I have been employed in my dream career, and I have also been unemployed. We bought a house. We’ve bought newer, safer vehicles, and they haven’t been repossessed yet, lol.
Most importantly, I have learned that I will forever work on myself. I have learned to become interdependent with my husband instead of hyper-independent as a trauma response. I’ve learned that some people will never change, and I will be okay. I have learned patience, humility, empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, the gift of giving and receiving, asking for help, being the help, letting go of resentments and anger, and finding joy, optimism, and hope. Today, I have a better future than I ever could’ve imagined.