My name is Chris, and I am an Alcoholic. I grew up in Redding, California, in a loving family that provided everything I needed. My father, a former army man, was strict but caring, and our household was free from excessive drinking or drug use. Despite this, I always felt a sense of unease, like something was "wrong" even when everything seemed fine.
I was a good student and got good grades in high school. I didn’t start drinking until I was 19. A couple of days after graduation, a friend offered me some beers, and I liked the buzz. The next day, I went to a party with hard alcohol and got black-out drunk. This pattern of blackout drinking continued almost every night until I left for military college a month later.
Military college was strict, making it difficult to find alcohol as a freshman. However, I discovered that mouthwash contained alcohol, and I began drinking that. Despite the strict environment, I still managed to find ways to get drunk throughout college. I would sneak off campus, find parties, and even smuggle alcohol back into my dorm room. The thrill of evading the rules made it seem like a game, and I convinced myself I was just having fun. Looking back, I see that I was very fortunate not to have gotten into any legal trouble during those years, but I had many close calls. I often made a fool of myself, waking up with embarrassing stories of my drunken antics. Despite these negative experiences, I managed to stay out of serious trouble during college, mostly due to sheer luck.
After college, I was stationed at an active duty base and started drinking more heavily, initially at social events but soon in isolation. I realized that others didn't drink like I did, so I would have a few drinks at social gatherings before rushing home to drink alone. My life quickly became a cycle of drinking alone every night, waking up hungover or still drunk, and struggling through work on base. I had few friends.
In 2012, after a deployment to Iraq where I was prescribed Ambien to sleep between missions, I had trouble sleeping and got a prescription from a local doctor. I took one pill and woke up in jail; I had wrecked my car. A friend bailed me out and drove me to rehab, where I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous.
However, I wasn’t ready to embrace the program and soon relapsed. A year later, the Air Force discharged me for medical reasons due to my alcohol problems and mental health issues. Without the structure of the military, my drinking escalated. I moved to San Diego, where I drank heavily and got involved with other substances. I became increasingly miserable and found myself in and out of AA meetings, but I wasn’t willing to work the steps or get involved in the fellowship.
After two and a half years, I lost my job and got evicted from my apartment. Desperate and with nowhere else to turn, I called my parents, who graciously let me move into their spare bedroom in Redding. I hoped this change of scenery would be the magical solution to all my problems. I believed that simply being back in a stable environment would "fix me" and somehow lead me to sobriety. I had always thought that external factors were responsible for my happiness and well-being. I blamed my circumstances, surroundings, and the people around me for my struggles, never willing to look inward and take responsibility for my actions and choices. Moving back home, I thought, would be the cure I needed without realizing that true change had to come from within. Despite the support from my parents, I continued to cling to the idea that something or someone else could make me better. This mindset kept me trapped in a cycle of dependency and avoidance, and I still wasn’t ready to do the necessary work to achieve genuine sobriety and happiness.
After a year and a half of struggling with sobriety in Redding, I hit rock bottom. At 4:30 in the morning, drunk and coming down from other substances, I woke my parents and told them everything. I was out of ideas. The next day, I called my sponsor and started taking all his suggestions. I volunteered to clean up after meetings, gave newcomers rides to meetings, called people from the phone list, and began working the steps. I started praying to a god I didn’t believe in. Within a week of fully committing to the program, I realized I hadn’t thought about drinking in several days. It was a true miracle, and I began to believe in a power greater than myself.
Since then, I have continued doing what I did when I first got sober. I have service commitments, sponsor other men, and try to practice the principles of the program in my daily life. My life has never been better. In the short five years I have been sober, I married an amazing woman who is also in the program, became a stepfather to her daughter, earned a master’s degree, became a valuable member of the company I have worked for since the month I got sober, and bought a home. The most important changes, however, have been within myself and my attitudes. I no longer live with shame or guilt, and I can help others recover from this disease.
I owe it all to AA. The support, guidance, and community I found in AA were crucial to my recovery. The program taught me to take responsibility for my actions, to trust in a higher power, and to find strength in the fellowship. Through AA, I discovered a path to a better life, one filled with purpose, connection, and genuine happiness. Without AA and my higher power, I wouldn't have been able to achieve the stability and peace I now enjoy.